22 April 2005

I decided to do my final speech on the censorship of literature and...well...it kinda SUCKED.

Just when I think that I am perfectly prepared for something, with no worries or concerns, something always seems to smack me in the face to remind me that I am not as invincible has I had imagined. Alright, so here it goes...my tragic, tragic, oh so tragic story. This whole mess started Wednesday morning when I got to work and relized I needed to do a couple of revisions on my speech outline. But of course, I was at work, meaing that I was at everyone else's disposal to do all of their shitty jobs as they stared at me like I had broccoli stuck in my teeth or something. So finally, right as I am about to leave, I reprint my outline with a few revisions and rush off to school. I met my boyfriend who was really down and out about some dick teacher, and then left for class, not realizing I was about two minutes late. As I open the door to my classroom, I notice that the first speaker is already up and babbling. I mumble my apologies to the teacher and quickly settle into my seat. Being late to class is always embaressing, but it is not quite as embaressing as having some douche bag teacher say "Wait a minute, Megan needs to gather her thoughts" with a hint of conescending arrogance. As I listen to the first speaker, I try not to panic about my speech, but soon realize that the newly printed outline I have does not contain a technical plot on the left-hand margin. "SHIT!!!" I think to myself, knowing that my teacher is such a tight-ass about mundane tasks such as a technical plot being on both copies of the speech and having precise details. So, in between speakers I quickly jot down the technical plot as much as I can until I hear another student begin their speech. I am almost done with the plot when Dr. Liberal (jk) calls my name with aggravation. See, I do not understand why he had to be such an ass...I mean I was NOT doing anything when the speakers were presenting...I actually listened pretty intently out of respect for them. Anyways, as I get up from my seat and hand him my outline, I quietly explain my predicament with the outlines, and offer to give him my original outline that is only slightly different than mine. Of course, he has to be a dick, so he stammers "You should have had that prepared.." loudly enough so that the entire class can hear and stare at me like I am a fumbling idiot. This whole predicament REALLY did NOT boost my confidence about getting up to speak. (Note: I am a person who DOES not like alot of attention, and I definitly despise the fact that the state of IL requires that students take speech both in High School (terrible...I shudder to think about those days) and in college. Okay, so I get up to the podium and all of the sudden I am completely embaressed and cannot speak. Once I start babbling out my outline, I immediately fuck up....and of course once I fuck up once during a presentation there is no turning back. So it was like this, if you can imagine: Blah blah...fuck up...blah blah blah blah...major fuck up....blah blah blah...."wait, what was that word???" blah blah blah.."oh shit...lost my place." The End. Keep in mind that all of these quotations where going on purely in my head, which is perhaps much more maddening than saying them out loud. To make matters worse, the speech was only suppose to be about 6-8 minutes, and mine lasted for almost nine. I could tell all of the applause was out of pity, as they all stared back blankly at me throughout the whole ordeal.... Ah...the pains of being a misfit... Oh well, I am proud of my misfit qualities, although sometimes it really does suck to be misunderstood. -Megan

18 April 2005

I am sooo ready for this semester to be OVER

I am feeling so stressed right now...the kind of stressed that makes it so you can't stay still.... I have a speech that I have to present Wednesday and I am not even half way done with the outline. ARGHH! It is so hard for me to manage my time between school, work, and having a life. I have been having major panic attacks lately....the scarey thing is that I have no idea where they are coming from. This is not the first time that I have had to deal with this shit.....I first started having them sporadically from the time I was twelve on. I went a long time without having to do anything serious about it until my junior year in high school when they become unbearable and did not lessen. I then went on Sarafem (which is a form of prozac for hormonal women) for about three months. After I was taken off of it I felt fine for over a year. Then, it all started coming back little by little. I have talked to different psychologists and they could not find a reason for my anxiety...all of the questions that they asked had no relevance to me. I was never seriously abused and I never experienced anything that was too tragic... Is it possible that I just have something wrong with me physiologically? I hate going through this...I just wish there was a way for me to escape it without having to go back on medicine...but then again, is it so bad to have to take one pill everday for the rest of your life? Please help....I am lost and I really need some advice from someone who understands..... -Megan

15 April 2005

Need Advice for My Inner INFP

Are any of you INFPs? For those of you who are looking at this like I am talking pure nonsense, I will explain; An INFP is one of the sixteen personality types under the Meyer-Briggs Temperments. INFP stands for Introverted, Intuitve, Feeling, and Perceptive. I know, I am big psychology dork, but I really do need some advice from someone who understands. Lately I have been having problems with confronting certain problems and issues, especially ones concerning the work place. It all started yesterday at 4 PM when I left work and met my boyfriend (who had just gotten off work himself) in the back of the Company parking lot so we could sit in his car and talk to before he had to go class later in the evening. Well, about 20 minutes into our conversation about religion, one of the customer service representatives comes up to my boyfriends driver's side window and tells him that there are cameras all around the building and asked what we were doing. We explained we were just talking, and once she saw that I was in the car with him, she apologized and left, and I thought nothing of it. Well, it turns out that I was wrong. When I got to work this morning, I stepped into the ladies bathroom and she was in there as well. I said hi, talked some small talk. and was on my way out when she made the comment to me "You know everyone was watching you guys yesterday...we could all see everything that was going on." After I told her that we weren't doing anything and that it wasn't a big deal, she made a comment about other employees talking behind my back, assuming that I had been smoking pot, etc. Now that REALLY irked me...I am definitly not a girl who looks, acts, or sounds like drug user of any sort, and to bring that up and ridicule me, AND my fiance who had a drug problem a few years back, was absolutely ridiculous, not mention very offensive to both him and I. After I had called my fiance (polar opposite ENFJ) he told me to confront my boss and others who had been suspicious, saying that he was really offended. I told him that I hate (I mean HATE) confrontation, that it makes me physially ill, anxioius, etc. He then told me that it really bothers him that I do not stand up for myself, which is understandable. To make a long story short, how should I, and INFP, deal with issues of confrontation and criticism? Any help would be GREATLY beneficial. Thanks Guys.... -Megan

14 April 2005

In need of some intellectual stimulation....no knowledge makes Megan go crazy...

So here I go again, ranting about my day. Have you ever been so bored from a repetitive, mundane task that you wanted to crawl out your skin completely? I am currently in such a situation...just imagine labeling and burning hundreds of CD's for no known purpose...what a complete waste of precious time. Of course I am being paid for this simple and mindless task, but still, my point remains the same; how many of us can say that we are content with wasting 2/3 of our lives doing insignificant tasks such as these? Of course, there are those rare few who really are enthused and inspired by their careers, and I hope one day that I can be one of them...after all it has always been my life goal to find true happiness and a content state of mind. But then again, who doesn't wish for these things? I suppose it is just another part of the human condition; a want for what seems so unattainable but is actually a state of mind that could be achieved if we all were not so damn pessimistic. Pessimism, although a total downer and drawback to all things, has a place in the back of all of our minds, and for some strange reason it cannot be removed. That is what makes all of us human...that innate idea that the grass is always greener on the other side...if only these negative thoughts were not so hardwired into our brains. I must persist in my quest for peace of mind and a positive existence...will tell you when I get there...might take a while...

13 April 2005

I feel like shit today...wish I had my head in the toilet...

My stomach is churning...just had to make a run to the women's bathroom at work. Is it possible to have the flu at this time of year? I hope that it is the flu or something related to my period coming, because I don't want to think of the idea of pregnancy...at least not at this point in my life. I am on the pill, don't get me wrong...and very much in love of course. I just cannot help but worry during this time of the month. especially when I am not feeling very well in terms of my naseau and headaches....I really need to worry less. I know that one of these days I am going have a bleeding ulcer if I cannot get a grip on myself. This past week or so has been a complete blur...do any of you go through times when you feel completely spacey? Perhaps it is because I have ADD and I worry constantly, but I am not usually like this. Perhaps it is my hormones...I always feel a little off around that "time." Oh well...Ill have to cross my fingers and try to get through another day of madness....

06 April 2005

Part II of "Let Me Go"

I settle myself in a desk that is located at the far right of my literature classroom. I look around at my classmates, trying to find a friendly face, but I fail to see anyone who seems the least bit interested in conversing with me. Everyone has already settled into their cliche' behaviors without noticing anything outside of themselves. Out of the corner of my eye. the few students that were missing suddenly appear, as they drag their feet in, completely stoned off of their asses. How sad it is that at the age of fifteen these people already see their lives as boring and useless. Don't get me wrong, I have tried smoking up before...to be completely honest, I know few who haven't already delved into that trend. However, I personally found that being high was a sad and lonely existence. I already felt isolated as it was, why would I make it harder on myself? I have always been quite fond of Language Arts...the one and only subject that I felt I had a chance at excelling in. The only abstract thinking that was needed could be found in my innner thoughts, and I loved that those thoughts were never bound to the strict constraints of proofs, principles, or laws. Here I could let my mind flourish, and express a side of myself that could never be revealed through any alternative avenue. Leaving this class was always the hard part. The reason for this? The answer lies in the fact that I would have to look to a day full of what I considered mostly nuisances...all of my days at school consisted of a stuggle between myself and the building's clocks. I cherished those moments when I was able to take in the numbers I loved best: 2:35.

05 April 2005

Peter Jennings Has Cancer?!

Okay, I know it is disturbing to hear about ANYBODY who has been diagnosed with cancer, regardless of their effect on the media, etc. It just hits me differently this time because I grew up with Peter Jennings on my T.V. every night...I was an avid fan of his mini-series/documentaries The Century...(Yes, that's right, big history nerd here) and I also respected the man. Not that there are not other respectable, highly noted journalists out there...it just seems like it is slim pickings lately. Peter Jennings has always shown me a compassionate, articulate, fairly unbiased perspective on current events...that is hard for me to find anywhere else. One example of this occured about a month or more ago on the night that Dan Rather was signing off. Although many journalists did all they could to tear down any integrity the one-time respected Rather had, Jennings decided to pay tribute to his accomplished- and well, lets admit it - somewhat eccentric friend on the day of his painful retirement. To me, that defines the very word integrity...despite having all forces against him, Rather could always look to his old pal Jennings....and that is why I am so rattled by all of this in the first place.

Is the Vatican Too Involved in Politics?

I have been hearing alot of disussion lately referring to the Vatican and how they take part in American politics. Being from IL, one of the latest local news stories that I have recently come across focuses on Illinois' governor, Rod Blagojevich and his latest encounter with the Catholic Church. What I have heard from various news sources is that Governor Blagojevich had recently attended a Catholic church service in Chicago to honor the death of Pope John Paul II. While he was at the church service, a member of the Catholic church (not sure if it was a priest or another member of the clergy) asked him why he was attending a Catholic church service while he is currently supporting the dispersement of birth control among women in Illinois. I find that somewhat offensive. It reminds me of a while back when I learned that the Vatican was threatening to take away communion from Democratic leaders (or any leaders that support abortion, despite party lines) unless they changed their views and began fighting for anti-abortion or pro-life causes. Doesn't this all seem a bit ridiculous??? Fell free to share your views. Megan